Yesterday, what I'd been scared of this entire pregnancy actually happened. I went to the doctor's office and my blood pressure was high. They immediately sent me to the hospital and kept me overnight for monitoring. I kept telling myself that I had a 75% chance of not having preeclampsia again with this pregnancy. And then I lost it. Why do I bank in percentages and not in the God of my salvation? I still don't know if I have preeclampsia now or if it will develop in the coming weeks, but I'm somewhat on pins and needles until about 8:00 tonight. I convinced the doctor to let me go home from the hospital for the afternoon and pending the results of some tests, I may be back in the hospital this evening. I'm mentally trying to prepare myself for another stay in the hospital, but I'm trying to be hopeful at the same time. I'm praying that I get to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy on two feet for 2 more months. But only God knows what the rest of this pregnancy will look like. I'm worried about Lucy, I'm worried about being separated from Graham and Jeff, and I'll admit it- I'm worried about myself.
With Graham, I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. So it's a weird feeling right now. I feel like I need to make the most of the next few hours just in case I'm in the hospital for the next couple of months. But I'm on bed rest for the afternoon so there's no time for fixing up the nursery, cleaning our bathtub, or rearranging Graham's new room. I don't think that I'll ever go down in the books as a woman who was "made to have babies." Pregnancy and me just don't seem to mix well.
I was encouraged today when my sweet friend Martha emailed me these verses:
"If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:11-14.
And I cling to Psalm 139 not because I have some incredible trust in God right now, but because I know that he can instill that trust within my heart and that repeating his words can convince my doubting soul.